The Forsaken by William Wordsworth

The peace which other seek they find;
The heaviest storms not longest last;
Heaven grants even to the guiltiest mind
An amnesty for what is past;
When will my sentence be reversed?
I only pray to know the worst;
And wish as if my heart would burst.

O weary struggle! silent year
Tell seemingly no doubtful tale;
And yet they leave it short, and fear
And hopes are strong and will prevail.
My calmest faith escapes not pain;
And, feeling that the hope in vain,
I think that she will come again.

to quit or not to quit...

went to see those nicotine patch thingy today. costs like $35 per box which lasts for 7 days. but they're having promotion with $55 for 2 boxes which means 1 month will cost about $110. that's about how how i spend on cigarettes in a month anyway. so the question now is to quit or not to quit? it's like giving up on a very dependable old friend, one which has always been there for me, one that calms me down regardless time or day. only time will tell...

Suicidal tendencies...

I'm sure many people have, at one point of time or another, thought of committing suicide. That thought comes when you reach a certain point in your life where all seems lost and there's no hope other than to end life itself. Some people however have not been through this feeling as their lives are all rosy and dandy. For those of us who have been through this feeling however, it seems that the only way to solve our problems is to end life itself. The problem we face seem so unsolvable that the only way to 'solve' it is to 'cure' it once and for all. It's a somewhat liberating feeling to know that you're finally ending that problem. However most problems aren't that extreme to the extent that you would actually 'cure' it as it takes a lot of courage to actually go through with the act itself. Therefore there are times when you wish someone would do it for you. And there are many a times when I actually wish something or someone would actually do it on my behalf. For eg. when crossing the road, I wished some raving drunkard would come throttling along in his car and hit the shit out of me. Or when I was in Genting riding the amusement rides, that it would fall and crash hurtling to the ground below and smash into a million pieces, bringing me along to my maker. Or when the train or bus I'm riding on would explode into smithereens through the will of some terrorist. Who knows... Somehow, somewhere I wish someone/something... would take the will to live out of me, to end me of my misery... Only God knows...

What Lips My Lips Have Kissed...

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

Bitterness

Stephen Crane

In the Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

night owl...

It's 4.45am in the morning and I'm still in the office. On top of that it's a Saturday night. I've finished what I needed to do about an hour ago. However I'm too cheapskate to take a cab home alone so I'm waiting on another colleague to finish up so that we can share the cab. Listening to songs on my laptop whilst surfing around on super fast internet. Too bad nobody to call at this ungodly hour if not that would have been another thing to do. Probably by now most people would be on the way home after a heavy night of partying. On the other hand I'm typing this blog with my brain half-dead and not necessarily looking forward to the 9-5pm CPA workshop I have tomorrow. After that I would be catching Evan Almighty at the cinemas with a group of friends. A relatively nice and relaxing way to enjoy the Sunday except that I'm afraid I might not have the energy to enjoy it. Haha.

I'm so looking forward to moving out of my current place and into my new place on 1st October. It's not just the addition of the aircon but also the much suited (to me) living environment. Living with people with whom you can relate to is much better than living in a somewhat gilded bird cage, whereby it may look cheap and good but it's not all it's hyped up to be. I used to say, Why pay for things which you can get for free? Then I told that to a colleague one day and he replied, But what you get for free may not always be good. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys. Not sure how that's related but it's true. A lot of the times in life, you pay more you get better stuff. It's a luxury not all can afford but if you can then it's better. For example, you buy a Mercedes, it's resale value later on is much higher than let's say a Toyota. No doubt you're paying more for the Merc now but hey it's more comfortable and it'll last you longer. This is of course typical for an accountant to think this way, in terms of depreciation. But like I mentioned before, not everyone can afford a Merc so at some point of time we realise that we have to live within our means. What you're willing to pay and what you'll get for it. Despite this I think we should all try to live life to the max. Push ourselves harder and farther. Work hard and play hard. Try things we've never tried before, do things we've never done before and go where we've never been before. Life outside our comfort zone. C'est la vie...

Man's best friend

May I introduce to man's best friend. For a small price only, it gets you well and high. And for this special offer only, the time you spend having it, all your problems will slowly ebb away into the night. Why does fate tempt me yet leave me empty? The emptiness I feel inside is echoing away into my heart and reverberating into more emptiness. I feel so alive at times yet at times I feel as if I'm nothing. NOTHING!!! Sometimes I feel we're just merely toys of God, him fooling around with us as He wish. Just like Sim City. We're just being fucked around like mere mortals in Sim City sending us quakes, hurricanes, typhoons, tsunamis and what have you. And on a smaller scale, we get dealt shitty cards in life. It's a lousy hand in poker and unfortunately this streak of lousy hands doesn't end.

On another note, a game of bridge is like sex, if you haven't got a good partner, just hope that you've got a good hand.

Well boys and girls as life and fate is screwing with us, the only and best way to escape all this bullshit is through our dear best friend above and only for RM10 for 3 cans, it's a fucking steal. Get it while it lasts because the damn 'gahmen' is going to increase the sin tax....

Assumption

I assume a lot of things. Not because I'm too lazy to think about something, therefore I assume but rather because I've thought a lot about it and therefore have come to a reasonable conclusion/assumption. There is no concrete evidence but the circumstances surrounding it becomes, not obvious but just plainly pointing to one conclusion. Oh well we'll just have to see whether my assumption is true or not... A very tiring Friday night/Saturday morning post@2am. Have to wake up early to play football at 10am tomorrow some more. Oh well living life on adrenaline is fun.