I just found out something last night which made me feel like shit, utter shit. It doesn't come as a surprise really but the fact that it has been confirmed makes it even worse. I guess sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. I was suppose to study late last night but after I found out about this, the mood all flew out the window. I closed my books, off the lights and went off to bed, muttering obscenities under my breath as I walked along. This is really the final nail in the coffin. It really made my blood boil, provoking emotions of sadness, sorrow, anger, hate, bitterness and vengeance. I don't know why this is affecting me so much but it is and I can't help it. It literally consumes me to the point that I have to do something about it. How can people be so hypocritical? They preach ideals yet they practice shit. This feeling I have now is the closest I will ever get to being suicidal. I dunno why it affects be this way but it does.
People who kill themselves are often seen as cowards, taking the easy way out but other people do not understand these people and assume that it's the easy way out but sometimes it's the only way out. I think these people are brave and courageous. Do you know how much balls is needed to kill oneself? It takes lots of guts, guts of which I sadly do not have at the moment. I have done research on ways to execute the final blow but the most suited way for me would be to drive really fast along a straight road and swerve left or right at breakneck speeds, maybe hitting a tree or a lamppost. All this without seatbelts of course. I guess if I were to go I would at least go doing what I enjoy doing which is driving. People are driven to the point of no return by the people around them and it is not realised that there is a problem until he is gone? So what? Do people never learn? It's just a statistic, it's never personal until it affects you so why bother. I do not know how I'm going to cope with the hours, days, weeks and months to come.
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Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Fuck...
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4 comments:
man, I'm sure u already know what I'm about to say on this. More over, I'm sure while u were writing this post, you already knew what I thought about the subject.
Suicide, to me is rarely ever the ONLY way out.
I do agree that it takes a lot of courage to kill yourself but it takes even more balls to stay and confront the problem. To emerge above the odds and to strive for a better future. Suicide in this case is no cowardly act but i have to say, it is the easiest way to end pain. But it is definitely no way to deal with a problem.
and then, who knows what comes after death? We are living in the now. We know that life is real and we should use it to its max. Plus, there are so many other factors to think about.
suicide won't solve anything. It may end yours, for the time being. But then, u cause more heartache for others who care abt you. Those who were there for u when u needed them, those who will stand by u in times of crisis. Where is their place in your world? U cannot forsake them for your problems. Dont even think about it.
So what im saying is that u are hurting now. Really really badly. Only you are hurting in your world. Think about it. How many other worlds would u crush if u even contemplated suicide? One world in pain is enough. Plus, you will get through it, man. I know it.
I'm suffering too. I'm not in the best of moods or rather, not in the proper state of mind as well. We have to rise above this, man. Seriously.
Anytime you want to vent, drop me a line. I'll be online most of the nights to be there for u as much as i can. I reckon i need your company too.
It's fucking hard to be normal now given our positions. But u and I know that we are better than that. its not a cliche line I'm using to boost ur confidence.
it's the truth. trust me.
u guys are so gay
gay or not; when in pain, misery always loves company.
fuck u pH
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